The Bow Tie: Retaking its Sartorial Crown.

 Though this online portfolio is dedicated to the aural arts, it is also dedicated to shit I like. Continuing this line of logic and reasoning, it is only acceptable to include the most joyous of neckties, the most exuberant of cloth that has come to bracelet the white bone that is our necks: the bow tie. Cheers.

Gets more pussy than a homeless animal shelter.

Charlie Chaplin, Winston Churchill and James Joyce have, among a myriad of men not afraid to push the boundaries, changed the way humans engage and asses art, politics, and more importantly life and what do these men have in common? It’s not their insurmountable longing to reconfigure the physical and symbolical world, it’s their bowties.

What once was taken as the supreme token of elegance and equanimity is now the silken pariah of fashion cruelty, a destinatario of sartorial abuse: the kid in elementary school who got picked on because he smelled like milk. This neckwear has fallen into ridicule because of its affiliation with conservatism, slyness and creatures of ill-repute but as of late, superstars such as Kanye West and Johnny Depp and fashion magnate Karl Lagerfeld (of Chanel fame) have sported the accessory as a proud badge instead of a burden.

With the resurgence of such a fascinating tie, its elusive origin is piquing the interest of fashionistas everywhere. Interestingly enough, the necktie’s metaphysical glory came not into fruition thanks to a tailor, it was invented out of pure necessity. During the devastating Thirty Years’ War during the 17^th century, Croatian mercenaries visited France to display their alliance to King Louis XIII. Unfortunately for these soldats, they lacked proper cuffs and buttons and resorted to wrapping a loose tie around their neck to keep their collars closed and fend off the unforgiving rain and wind. Louie-boy was impressed by the fashionable gents’ bravery, but he was completely enraptured by their daring neckwear and quickly made it a compulsory item for the upper-classes, dubbing the accessory “Le Cravat” ( French for “the Croatian”).

Mere moments after this pictoral was taken, Sylvia Beach's vagina imploded because of Joyce's bow tie.

Scholars debate whether the bow tie itself evolved from the cravat or if the cravat inspired the short knotted wonder, the only thing that matters is that its power is still among our hands. Combining elegance and formality with a jocular pride, the bow tie blends into any business attire while standing out with poise. It attracts the right attention, commanding at will, but being lethargic about it, not sure if it wants to socialize or stand back like the unashamed wallflower that it is. In a cornucopia of textures including wool, cotton, silk and velvet and the fathomless bounty of colors and styles including: polka dots, plaid, Her Royal Majesty’s Scottish Tartan, stripes, checks and paisley, the bow tie will have its use looking sharper than scimitar.

AKA Cunt Destroyer

The bow tie can smoothen the image of men with square faces, exalt the features of those with a more oval shape. It can disarm the scraggliest of thugs, making them accessible and huggable and can turn the most innocuous of dudes into a man with character. Fortunately, this is not a boys only club: members of the fairer sex have been seen sporting the bow tie with loose flowing blouses, taking on the veneer of the glitz and glamour of the gilded age.  Bow ties with designs go well with solid colors and if you feel adventurous enough, you can add the staple combo of flowers in the buttonhole plus a puff-and-peak style napkin for ultimate aesthetic beauty.

Such an immaculate accessory cannot be complete without the threat of using it in an obscenely awful manner. Make sure thy paws don’t fall prey into a fashion faux pas by purchasing pre-tied neckwear (the internet is valuable wealth of instruction on the slightly arduous process). Beware, the bow tie should be used fashionably and not gimmicky: avoid cartoon characters and colors that are too similar to your shirt, you want to look as suave as James Bond, not as serious as a certain ex-Education Secretary. Making sure the tie does not make you look too gimmicky is difficult, but a certain bon vivant has found it to be infinitely rewarding.

The bow tie is a godsend, capable of molding the complete attire and adding and air of sublime attention. It can literally make the outfit or just make  It can make you look like a dandy when you want to, and determined when you don’t, but more importantly it shows a disposition for inventiveness. It is about infusing a little bit of imagination into everyday life, finding the beauty in knots and more importantly its effect on people: sporting a bow tie is sure to magnetize a wide variety of conversation from all walks of life and it is certain to bring a smile to everyone’s face. Make it tight for formality, or ruffle it up a bit to show a little bit of character and playfulness, this item cradling the neck works great as a gift idea for that special, if not a tad eccentric, someone. Always remember, it used to be that sissies were mistaken for gentlemen, now it is gentlemen that are mistaken for sissies, but I say nay. So gents and dames: don’t be shy, sport a bow tie! 

I am a motherfucker.